November
2003
November
2003
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November 2003 Kasanka And The Case Of The Movious Bats
Regulars
News From Around Zambia
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A Great
Commentator Exceeds His Goals
As I recall my childhood passion for soccer, growing up in Ndola and Lusaka, it amazes me that I didn’t actually see any of those thrilling matches involving the national team. Instead, like millions of Zambians, I relied on Dennis Liwewe to paint the picture, sketch the scene. He was my eyes, his commentaries the best reason to turn on the radio, other than hearing the lottery numbers. I was convinced that Liwewe was one of the world’s greatest commentators, and even today, after listening to hundreds of other broadcasters, I find him richly deserving of that status. He could turn any match into a thriller. After 90 minutes of electrifying commentary and several “It’s a gooooaaaal” screams, it would surprise me to learn that the match was deadlocked 0-0. Those “It’s a gooooaaaal” screams were, of course, quickly followed by a subdued “Saved by the keeper” or “Off sides” call that caused five million people to groan and stop dancing. I’ll never forget the time Zambia trounced Kenya 9-0 and Liwewe screamed “It’s a gooooaaaal” so many times, I wondered if the Kenyans had even shown up for the game. Perhaps eleven spectators were filling in for them. Liwewe could stretch the word “goal” for a minute or two, prompting novice listeners to fiddle with their radios, assuming they were hearing a long stream of static. I always thought Liwewe was blessed with bigger lungs than the rest of us - or perhaps he had a group of backup commentators who joined in whenever he ran out of breath. Liwewe: “It’s a gooooooooooooooo…” Backup commentators: “Ooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaal.” Liwewe (later): “Come on, guys. That wasn’t long enough. You need to keep going, until we’ve been heard by everyone in Zambia, even those who don’t own radios. Don’t worry. Our audio technician knows mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.” For a soccer fan in Zambia, nothing was more exciting than hearing Liwewe scream “It’s a gooooaaaal.” I was so fond of it, I wanted to invite Liwewe for the birth of my firstborn child, just to hear him yell, “It’s a giiiirrrrl!” It’s unfortunate that Liwewe, 67, has not yet enjoyed what every fan of Zambian soccer, including me, dreams about: a berth in the World Cup Finals. If Cameroon and Nigeria can do it so many times, why not the Chipolopolo boys? Wouldn’t it be great to hear Liwewe scream, “It’s a gooooaaaal! Zambia 3, Brazil 0. Only one minute to go. My backup commentators are going to take over now, because I can’t stop dancing!” Alas, Zambia was always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and poor Liwewe had to be the bearer of bad news, telling a nation of soccer lovers that their team had come up short again, but not to worry, at least they’re better than Malawi. We may not have enjoyed much soccer glory, but we did enjoy something no other country did: the great Dennis Liwewe. Had he lived in America, he would have been a multi-millionaire. Had he lived in the Middle East, he would have had 50 wives. Had he lived in England, he would be known as Sir Dennis Liwewe. In Zambia, if he isn’t a national treasure, I don’t know who is.
 Melvin
Durai is a U.S.-based writer and humorist who grew up
in Zambia. His weekly humor columns are read by thousands of
people in more than 90 countries. For an email subscription
to his columns, please visit his
website
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