Trapped Butterfly

The world she lived in was for women, like being trapped in a stifling prison. Looking around her as she walked through the market she noticed that women were dark, mysterious objects; hidden underneath the black gown, whose eyes were the only parts the could reveal their inner soul. It was as if their larynxes had been cut out so that no sound could escape from their mouths. Her life centres around the domestic work of her family and the looking after of her brothers and sisters. Everyday she would wake up to the riotous sounds of the market sellers: eagerly promoting their goods, the smell of the hot dusty streets and the stern tone of her mother, urging her to rise before the sun came up to start her chores and perform her daily prayers. She hated it. She felt trapped again the four solid brick walls that surrounded her, and felt they were closing in on her, ensnaring her in a web for all eternity. She felt helpless, like a butterfly in a jam jar longing to fly into openness …

She waited for her cousins to arrive as dusk fell. They were coming to pick her up to go to their house. She was excited at the thought as it meant a new atmosphere for a change. As the clock ticked on, she grew impatient and wondered what was taking them so long. She decided that she would begin walking to their house and meet them halfway. It was a dangerous idea and her parents would strike her severely if they should ever find out, but she knew that she would be safe as there were many people around. Besides she would probably meet her cousins in a few minutes. As she was walking , she heard the sound of quickened steps behind her. Before she knew it, she was grabbed by the waist and hurled into an alley to her right. She wanted to scream but in shock, no sound could escape from her mouth. In front of her was a thickset man with a steely look and eyes filled with avarice. He bent down towards her and gagged her mouth with a thick throttling cloth. Every time she tried to pick herself up and run, his heavy weight would shove her down again. Her eyes were filled with terror, her head was spinning and her heart was pounding like the beat of a drum. She was trapped in this narrow space and was weak. As he descended upon her, her pupils grew wide and she shut her eyes quickly to cut off the horrible image. He removed her gown and trousers, ignoring her sobs and weak resistance as she began praying for mercy. She felt cold, filthy and horribly naked as the man’s weight crushed her body against the harsh, gravel road. Her mind was in turmoil as she waited those deadly moments until the inevitable occurred. When it did, the pain was unimaginable and excruciating, and all the time she cried out God’s name. The few minutes it lasted felt like she had spent a lifetime in the hot pits of hell. The man pushed her away aggressively and she curled up in a ball in attempt to protect herself. The man left her sobbing and clenching her teeth to numb the pain that she was feeling both inside and out. With the little strength she had remaining in her, she slowly dressed herself and limping, made her way home.

She woke up the next morning and felt dirty and used. Her body was bruised and scratched and the marks triggered the ugly and vivid memory of what had happened to her. Luckily for her, last night her cousins had forgotten to pick her up and she had slipped into the house unnoticed. She was afraid and knew that she could never let anyone know of the incident. She dressed quickly as she knew that she would soon be called by her mother to clear the kitchen. As she crept down the stairs, she heard hushed voices coming from the sitting room. She found her parents seated opposite each other talking intently. As soon as they saw her, her mother jumped up and with a wide smile said, “Fatima, we have some good news. Sit down,” motioning her to a chair. She felt slightly uneasy and waited with baited breath as her mother continued. “We have received a marriage proposal from the Abbas family. They want their son to be married to you, Fatima”. She gasped in surprise. This was far from what she had anticipated. Her mother put her arm around her and said “we are very honoured that they ‘ve asked us for your hand in marriage. You know that their family has a high reputation. It is a good investment from our part”. Her father stood nodding in approval and his face shone in pride. “Now go and tidy the kitchen. Later on we shall discuss the wedding preparations. The Abbas family and Ahmed will be visiting us in a few days. We must buy you a new white ‘sari’”. She was stunned by this news. In a short time, she ‘d be a bride. She ought to be excited about this prospect as it meant a new beginning to life but there was a sense of uneasiness weighing her down. It suddenly dawned on her. If she were to marry, it would be discovered that she had lost her purity. She could just envision the horror on the faces of the Abbas’ when they discovered no traces of virginal blood on the wedding sheets on the morning after the wedding. They would undoubtedly leave her reputation scarred for life. Panic-stricken, she diverted her nervous energy to sweeping the floor.

The day arrived when the Abbas’ would visit. She and her mother had spent time cleaning the house and preparing food. She was wearing her new white sari and her parents looked proud and pleased at their daughter. When the Abbas family arrived, they were politely ushered into the sitting room. It was customary that she as the bride-to-be was to serve them each course at a time. She was not allowed to speak or make any eye contact with the groom. She was glad of this as she did not want to see the face of the man that would shame her and her family for life. Her heart turned to ice as a date was agreed upon for the wedding. It gave her an ultimatum of one week for her fate to be decided.

The day set for her wedding approached and she grew more and more frantic. The wedding preparations were under way and nearly everything had been arranged. She needed to put a stop to this wedding and after a lot of thinking, there seemed only one way out. She would have to confess her dirty secret to her parents. Wiping the beads of sweat that formed on her palms against her gown. She quietly went up to her mother, whispering in her ear that she had something to tell her. Her puzzled mother sat down and she began her story.

Her mother was sobbing hysterically and her father sat expressionless. Her mother was praying out loud and cursing the man who had destroyed her daughter’s life. Her father could not look at her and she saw a tear rolling down his face. She did not know what they would do about the wedding but she felt that half her burden had been off-loaded. Her mother reached out to comfort her and let her upstairs leaving her father alone.

He was panicking. He could not let the marriage go through as his daughter’s virtue would be in doubt and his family would be in shame. If he asked to cancel the wedding, the Abbas family would instantly suspect his daughter as a prostitute and would spread the word like a plague. He was faced with one of the biggest decisions of his life. He was scared but there was only one thing he could do.

She sat on her prayer mat reciting the words of the Qu ‘ran. Only time could tell what her destiny would be. She did not have the power to decide for herself. She looked out of the window and saw a butterfly flying free in the wind. She smiled and wished to be that butterfly. She heard the creak of the door opening and found her father standing before her. Her father refused to look into her eyes and she whispered. “Pa?”. Without a word her father placed his palm on top of her head and began uttering a prayer under his breath. She began to feel increasingly frightened at her father’s behaviour but dared not question him. Suddenly her father’s trembling hands took hold of her shawl and began winding it round and round her neck. Tighter and tighter. Her eyes bulged in terror and she gasped furiously for air. The last words she heard her father say were “It had to be done my child”.

The words drummed in her head and finally she could suffer no more.

Shamina was previously a student at Baobab College, Lusaka