The Humour Of Melvin Durai

Speaking at a press briefing, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld tried to clarify the situation in Iraq. "Reports that say something hasn't happened are interesting to me, because as we know, there are known unknowns; there're things we know we know," Rumsfeld said. "We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

If you have no clue what he said, don't worry. It's not always easy to understand American English -- even if you live in America. I have a master's in English from an American university and I'm still baffled by Rumsfeld's statement. Perhaps I need a Ph.D.

Now you know why people in other countries are constantly scratching their heads, wondering what Americans mean. Many of these foreigners are fluent in British English, but that doesn't help them figure out simple things, such as how to get an egg from an eggplant. Or how to get some rest in a restroom.

In my ongoing effort to promote world understanding, I tried to explain the language differences to an American college student.

Me: "While a Briton, searching for an object, would ask, 'Where is it?' an American would ask, 'Where's it at?'"

Student: "Wow, that's quite a difference. No wonder they can't find those weapons of mass destruction!"

Me: "Here's something else you'll find interesting: While Americans study math, the British tend to study maths."

Student: "I prefer math myself. I'd rather not study more than one of them."

Me: "That's understandable. Here's another difference: While Americans use the word 'butt,' the British use 'bum.'"

Student: "Really? And what do they do with their cigarette bums? I toss mine in a trash can."

Me: "I think they throw theirs in a dustbin -- along with all their dust. Here's another: While Americans use the word 'period,' the British use 'full stop.'"

Student: "That doesn't make sense. How can it be a 'full stop' when she's going to have another next month?"

Me: "Good question. Speaking of women, American men might refer to them as 'chicks,' but British men call them 'birds.'"

Student: "Chicks are cuter than birds. I don't think we'd go nuts over the Dixie Birds."

Me: "Probably not. Here's another difference: In America, people get engaged; in Britain, phones do too."

Student: "That makes sense. One phone gives the other a ring."

Me: "Yes, of course. But in America, phones get busy."

Student: "Yes, and people do too. Especially on their wedding night."

Me: "I wouldn't know about that. Here's another: In America, students use erasers; in Britain, students use rubbers."

Student: "Really? No wonder they have fewer teen pregnancies. You can't erase everything, you know."

Me: "Well, of course not. Here's another: While an American might live in an apartment, a Brit would live in a 'flat.'"

Student: "Flat? That's interesting. I've heard people in California use the word 'flat' for 'apartment,' but only after an earthquake."

Me: "Ah, yes. In Britain, they'd call that a double flat. Here's one you'll really like: While American kids enjoy cotton candy, British kids enjoy candy floss."

Student: "Candy floss? You're kidding. Don't tell me they also enjoy candy toothbrushes! Their dentists must be loaded!"

Me: "I'm not sure about that. As Donald Rumsfeld might say, that's a known unknown."

Melvin Durai is a U.S.-based writer and humorist who grew up in Zambia.His weekly humor columns are read by thousands of people in more than 90 countries. For an email subscription to his columns, please visit his website