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Some Gangs Are Getting Too Big
There are many
kinds of gangs in the world -- Italian gangs, Asian gangs, Latino
gangs -- but perhaps the strangest gang is the one that's been
ripping off stores in the port city of
Durban,
South Africa: a gang of overweight women. Police have warned
storekeepers not to take this gang lightly.
An article in
South Africa's
Sunday Times describes these female shoplifters not only as
"oversized," but also "supersized." I'm not sure how big they are,
but I can't help picturing several 200-kg women waddling into a
supermarket, while an accomplice waits outside in the getaway bus.
"Come on ladies,"
the gang leader says later. "We were supposed to steal valuable
stuff, so how come we ended up with eight boxes of doughnuts?"
"Sorry, boss," a
woman replies. "They were all out of cake."
For most crimes,
being "oversized" is a disadvantage, but for shoplifting, it can be
a major plus. You can wear baggy clothes and hide all sorts of
merchandise inside them: handbags, shoes, color TVs. You can also
use your body, if it's wide enough, to conceal all manner of
criminal activity behind you. "OK, guys. I'll stand in front of the
security camera, you grab the stuff. When you're done, just pull the
back of my pants and jump in."
According to
police, the
Durban
shoplifters use their size in another way --to intimidate store
employees. Now you know why experts keep telling us that obesity can
be dangerous.
But intimidation
is only part of the scheme. Some of the women fight each other to
cause a distraction while the rest fill bags with clothes, said
police spokesman Inspector Michael Read. It's a great strategy, for
there are few things in life that can grab people's attention -- and
hold it indefinitely -- like two large women fighting.
Storekeeper
(returning from lunch): "What happened? Where's all the merchandise?
Why is the store so empty?"
Security guard:
"I don't know, sir. Two fat women were fighting and the next thing I
knew, everything had disappeared, even my baton."
Storekeeper: "Two
fat women were fighting? Oh no, I missed it. Do you think the
security cameras captured it?"
Guard: "I hope
so. I'd love to see it again."
The Durban gang
targets clothing shops and cosmetic outlets, then sells the stolen
merchandise to street vendors, Inspector Read said. He added that
several arrests had been made, but some of the women were – excuse
the expression -- "still at large."
I hope they are
caught soon, because they're not only breaking the law, but setting
a poor example for fat people everywhere. Obesity is already a
problem in America, without the authorities having to worry about
"oversized" criminals and how much space they will take up in
prison. It would be a heavy burden on the prison system, especially
at meal times.
If you happen to
be a large man or woman, you need to remember that your weight is
not always an asset in criminal activity. It can hinder you in
several ways, such as these:
-You can't sneak
into stores and banks. If the security officers don't see you, they
will definitely see your shadow.
-You can't run
and you can't hide. Not unless there's an aircraft carrier around.
-You're easy to
spot from a police helicopter. The sharpshooters won't even bother
to aim.
 Melvin
Durai is a U.S.-based writer and humorist who grew up
in Zambia. His weekly humour columns are read by thousands of
people in more than 90 countries. For an email subscription
to his columns, please visit his
website
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September 2004