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When A Friend Has AIDS
Mark and I had been friends for sometime and I knew that he was
often unwell, but I had never asked about it – I knew that when he
wanted to, he would tell me, although I had often wondered whether
it could be HIV.
One evening, we went out to dinner. We did this regularly and I did
not expect that evening to be any different – a quiet meal, some
laughs, some serious discussion. But during the course of the meal,
Mark said to me ‘I suppose you have realised by now that I am HIV+’.
So here it was – laid out in front of me and confirmed. But it was
only then that I realised that despite everything I thought I knew
about HIV and AIDS, I was not prepared for this; I did not know how
to respond. All I could do was respond from my heart and whether it
was right or not, I do not know.
But what I do know is that it blew my mind because here was one of
my closest friends telling me that he was dying. I’m a practical
person and fully accept that we are all dying and each day is one
step closer to the grave. But this was something completely
different – it was now on my doorstep and had become a personal
matter; it was no longer that person who you hardly knew or who was
a friend of a friend who you had met once briefly and I realise how
inadequate I felt.
AIDS is now a fact of life and brings new challenges
for each of us; not only those who are ill, but their friends and
loved ones as well.
When someone you know is ill, you will feel helpless
and useless. Here are some thoughts and suggestions that may help
you:
Don't avoid your friend. Be there. It gives hope. Be
the friend you've always been, more so now
Touch your friend. A simple squeeze of the hand or a
hug can let them know you still care
Weep and laugh with your friend.
Tell
your friend what you'd like to do to help. Keep any promises you
make.
Spend time sharing a meal together
Be
creative. Bring books, magazines, taped music. All of these become
important and can bring warmth and joy.
Bring along another friend who hasn't visited before.
If
there are young children living with your friend, offer to take them
to or pick them up from school or take them on an outing.
Include your friend in your holiday plans if they are fit enough to
travel with you.
Offer to help answer any letters or phone calls your friend may have
difficulty dealing with.
Offer to do household chores. This may be appreciated more than you
realize. But don't take away chores that your friend can still do.
Send
a card that says, "I care!"
Don't be reluctant to ask about the illness. Your friend may need to
talk. Find out by asking, "Do you feel like talking about it?"
What's in the news? Discuss current events. Help your friend from
feeling that the world is passing him or her by. Keep your friend up
to date on mutual friends and other common interests.
Like
anyone else, a person with AIDS can have both good and bad days. On
good days treat your friend the same as your other friends. On the
bad days, treat him or her with extra care and compassion.
Talk
with your friend about the future: tomorrow, next week, next year.
It is helpful to look toward the future without denying the reality
of today.
Don't feel that you both always have to talk. It's okay to sit
together reading, listening to music, watching television.
Take
a positive attitude with you. It's catching.
If
your friend expresses concern about his or her looks, be gentle, but
acknowledge these feelings. Just your listening is often all that is
needed.
Be
sure to include your friend in decision making whenever possible.
Illness can bring about a loss of control over many aspects of life.
Be
prepared for your friend to get angry with you for no obvious
reason, although you have been there and done everything you could.
Permit this, but don't take it in a personal way.
Don't lecture or become angry with your friend if he or she seems to
be handling the illness in a way that you think is inappropriate.
Do
not confuse acceptance of the illness with defeat.
Don't permit your friend to blame him or herself for the illness.
Remind your friend that lifestyles don't cause disease, germs do.
Check in with the people who are taking care of your friend. They
too may be suffering. They need a break from the illness from time
to time.
Finally, recognize your own feelings and respect them. Share your
grief, anger and helplessness |
December 2004