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Valentine's Day,
The Toughest Test Of All
When I graduated
from college, I was excited about one thing: No more tests! For the
first time in my life, I was a free man. I could do as I pleased, go
where I pleased, without being graded, without someone looking at me
sympathetically and saying, "Sorry, Melvin. If you had only worked
twice as hard, shown twice as much enthusiasm in class, you might
have earned yourself a 'D.' See you again next year." (For some
reason, the grading scale dropped from 'D' to 'F.' I'm still trying
to figure out what happened to 'E.')
My post-college
bliss lasted several months, then one day I came to a grim
realization: Life is full of tests. You just can't escape them, no
matter which government office you hide in. Even in your last days,
when you can barely feed and clean yourself, your doctor will be
putting you through tests.
Doctor: "I'm
still awaiting the results of your blood and urine tests, Mr. Banda.
In the meantime, I'd like to test your sweat. Do you think you can
produce a little?"
Banda: "No sweat,
doc. None whatsoever. Last time I sweated was 1964. Why don't you
test my saliva instead? I have no trouble producing that."
Doctor: "Yes, I
can see that. Here, please take this napkin."
I've had to take
a number of tests since college, including eye tests, driving tests,
and sanity tests. Perhaps the toughest test comes every Valentine's
Day. I call it the "What are you going to get her this time?" test.
With my romance skills, I've never gotten an 'F' in this test. My
wife has an expanded grading scale and I usually score somewhere
between
"Y' and 'Z.'
Marriage gives me
two other tests every year: anniversary and birthday. A few years
ago, I failed the birthday test, not because I couldn't think of the
right gift, but because I couldn't think of the right date. Ouch! I
spent several days in the doghouse -- and I would have been there
much longer, had the dog not snapped at me.
But Valentine's
Day is the toughest of the marriage tests, because you don't just
have to impress your wife, you have to compete with other men. If
your wife's friend has just received a dozen roses from her husband,
you'd better not send your wife a dozen doughnuts.
You: "Honey,
remember how you always say that it's the thought that counts? Well,
I thought about getting you roses. Really I did!"
She: "Yes, it's
definitely the thought that counts. And you're a bigger idiot than I
thought."
It doesn't help
that Valentine's Day is so commercialized. A dozen roses can cost as
much as $100, enough money to romance 50 women in Guatemala. Women
love roses, yet they want men to be creative. But around Valentine's
Day, when roses are sold in almost every store, picking a rose
involves as much creativity as picking a nose.
The same can be
said about cards. If you really want to excite a woman, don't get
her a card that comes with lots of verse -- get her a card that
comes with lots of credit.
Diamonds can also
cause hearts to flutter, but they don't always work, as I discovered
some years ago.
Me: "Guess what,
honey, I got you something with diamonds on it!"
She: "Diamonds!
Oh my gosh. Is it a ring? A necklace? A bracelet?"
Me: "No, honey,
even better: a deck of playing cards. It's guaranteed to give us
endless fun. Do you want to shuffle them or shall I?"
She: "Uh ... I'd
prefer if you shuffled. Shuffled off, that is."
 Melvin
Durai is a U.S.-based writer and humorist who grew up
in Zambia. His weekly humour columns are read by thousands of
people in more than 90 countries. For an email subscription
to his columns, please visit his
website
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February 2005