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Shedding Some Light On Africa
In my ongoing
quest to get Americans to visit the rest of the world, I decided to
answer a series of questions about the continent I grew up in, which
some people still refer to as Darkest Africa.
Question: I am
thinking of going on a mission trip to Kenya, but my mother is
against it, because she was watching the National Geographic channel
the other day and found out that there are lions there. Is that true
and how do I protect myself? -- Mike, New York.
Answer: Yes,
there are lions in Kenya and most of them, as your mother may have
told you, are big and hungry. Now you know why Kenyans are such good
runners. You can protect yourself by wearing a good pair of running
shoes and always carrying a spear. It's also wise to travel with a
companion, preferably one who's slower than you. I don't mean to
scare you, but most lions in Kenya are tired of eating local people
and consider foreigners a delicacy. So please give your mother a big
hug before you leave. And don't forget to write a will.
Q: My company
has offered me a short stint in Zimbabwe. Before I accept, I have a
couple of questions. Does Zimbabwe have any cities? What about
electricity? -- Luther, Maryland.
A: There are
no cities in Zimbabwe, only villages. Harare is the capital village.
There's no electricity either, just something called electrivillage.
Don't worry: It will provide enough light for your hut, as long as
you remember to fill it up regularly with fireflies.
Q: My husband
and I are traveling to Somalia next month. Do they accept credit
cards there or should we carry cash? -- Jennifer, North Carolina.
A: Neither.
Your best bet is to carry lots of shells. You can buy them at a
crafts store or collect them at the beach.
Five hundred
shells will get you a room in a decent hotel, but if you want to
stay in a first-class one, you'll probably have to shell out more.
Q: My friends
and I will be visiting South Africa soon, but would also like to see
the magnificent Victoria Falls in
Zambia. Can we
travel there by air? -- Josh, Washington.
A: Yes, you
can certainly travel by air. Just get on a tree and keep swinging.
You'll be there in no time. And you're
right: the
Victoria Falls is magnificent. It's like the Niagara on Viagra.
Q: I'm going
to be spending two years in Uganda as a Peace Corps volunteer. I
will have plenty of work during the day, but I'm not sure how to
spend my nights. What do Ugandans do for entertainment? -- Donna,
Connecticut.
A: Ugandans
are just like other Africans. They entertain themselves by sitting
in a circle around a fire and singing
"Kumbaya." In
some remote villages, they may even tell jokes about any foreigner
in their midst. But if they start calling the event a "roast," be
prepared to run.
Q: I am hoping
to visit Namibia in a few months. Just wondered if I should take my
cell phone with me. Will I be able to communicate with it? --
Nathan, Indiana.
A: You will
certainly be able to communicate with it. Just use the buttons to
make clicking sounds. Here's the key: one click means 'I come in
peace,' two clicks mean 'Take me to your leader,' and three clicks
mean 'No, I am not edible.'
 Melvin
Durai is a U.S.-based writer and humorist who grew up
in Zambia. His weekly humour columns are read by thousands of
people in more than 90 countries. For an email subscription
to his columns, please visit his
website
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August 2005