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Thou Shalt Not Judge Beauty Contests
Imagine you're
flipping channels one night and come across the Miss. Universe
contest. What do you do? Well, if you're like me, you tell yourself
that it's demeaning to women and objectifies them unfairly and that
you shouldn't watch a minute of it, not a single minute, beyond the
swimsuit round. I mean, principles are principles.
Well, imagine
also that the judges are being introduced and you recognize one of
them: the priest of your church.
(Depending on
your religion, this could be your minister, rabbi, swami, mullah,
etc.) Just last week he preached about the importance of avoiding
worldly pleasures, speaking so forcefully that he almost caused you
to look up from your cell phone.
And here he is
now, sweeping his eyes over a bevy of beauties, smiling so broadly
that you're fairly certain what the next sermon will be about: the
importance of appreciating God's creations.
If this seems
farfetched, that's probably because you don't live in Norway, where
a Lutheran vicar named Einar Gelius had recently agreed to serve as
a judge for a national beauty pageant, with the winner representing
Norway at the Miss. Universe contest. He apparently believed he
could do whatever he wanted in his spare time, even judge women in
bikinis. But you can forgive him: He's a Gelius, not a genius.
As reported by
Reuters, the Church of Norway promptly asked Gelius to resign from
the panel of judges, saying that as a representative of the church
he should not be judging others, bikinis or no bikinis. "The Church
should preach that we are all equal and this competition's view of
women is particularly disturbing," Arne Groeningsaeter, head of the
Oslo diocese council, told Reuters. Indeed, I'm always disturbed
when I watch the Miss. Universe contest, because I realise that the
women are not just equally beautiful, but also equally likely to end
up dating Donald Trump. I know he owns the contest, but does he have
to own the contestants too?
If Gelius had
quit immediately, perhaps this wouldn't have made any headlines. But
despite objections from church members, he didn't resign for an
entire week, not until he heard from the Bishop of Oslo, also known
as the big honcho.
Bishop: "What's
this I hear, Einar? You're going to be judging a beauty contest?"
Gelius: "Oh, it's
nothing, Bishop. Just something I'm doing in my free time. It's a
good way to reach out to young women -- and also do some scoring."
Bishop: "Are you
going to reach out with God's message or just with your eyes?"
Gelius: "My eyes,
mostly. But they won't be judgmental eyes. They'll be loving eyes,
observing the women with sensitivity, empathy and a pair of
binoculars."
Bishop: "Isn't
there something else you could do in your free time? Why not take up
beekeeping, like some other clergymen?"
Gelius: "Well,
they're interested in honey, Bishop. I'm interested in honeys."
Bishop: "Your
words disturb me, Einar. All women are equal in the eyes of God. He
made them all."
Gelius: "Yes,
Bishop, I know they're equal. That's why, while serving as judge, I
plan to gaze at them equally. I will give them equal attention and,
of course, equal love."
Bishop: "No,
Einar, I can't permit you to do this. You are a representative of
the church and ..."
Gelius: "I will
represent the church well, Bishop. I will maintain honour and
dignity and, of course, a broad smile."
 Melvin
Durai is a U.S.-based writer and humorist who grew up
in Zambia. His weekly humour columns are read by thousands of
people in more than 90 countries. For an email subscription
to his columns, please visit his
website
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February
2006