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The Nice Old Woman In The Shoe
Whenever my
daughters enjoy a story or nursery rhyme that I enjoyed as a child,
it gives me a certain thrill, makes me feel that their childhood
isn't too different from mine, despite the fact that mine occurred
in the dark ages, when books were etched on stone.
Those were
indeed primitive times. Stories and rhymes didn't protect us from
the evils of the world. We had to read, for example, about the old
woman who lived in a shoe and her terrible mistreatment of her
children: "She whipped them all soundly and put them to bed." I know
what you're thinking: "How could anyone be so cruel? Wasn't it bad
enough that the children had to deal with the social stigma of
living in a shoe?"
Thankfully,
the old woman who appears in my daughters' books has been
rehabilitated, perhaps through many hours of therapy. Nowadays, she
treats her children rather well: "She kissed them all sweetly and
sent them to bed."
But she still
lives in a shoe and feeds her children broth without bread, whereas,
a few pages later, Little Miss Muffet is eating curds and whey.
Hopefully, by the time my grandchildren read these rhymes, the gap
between the rich and poor won't be so wide.
Miss Muffet
may have been rich, but she still had to deal with the big spider
who "sat down beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away." I know
what you're thinking: "That's horrible! How could this happen? Miss
Muffet needs to get on the phone and fire her pest control guy."
Thankfully,
children today can read the book "Positively Mother Goose" and meet
a kinder, gentler spider. This spider "sat down beside her and
brightened Miss Muffet's whole day." The rhyme ends on that happy
note, but hopefully, by the time my grandchildren read it, Miss
Muffet will invite the spider to share her curds and whey. And maybe
the spider will teach Miss Muffet how to build a good web site.
Then there's
the tale of the three little pigs. In my day, the first two pigs met
a tragic fate at the hands of the big bad wolf. He didn't just blow
their houses down, he even -- don't read any further if you're
squeamish -- ate them for dinner. I know what you're thinking: "How
shocking! Children's books should not be promoting the consumption
of pork. Especially when a large segment of the population considers
it offensive."
Thankfully, my
children read about a wolf who isn't quite so hungry. He merely
blows the pigs away. But he's still not the model citizen we expect
children to read about. Hopefully, by the time my grandchildren read
this story, the wolf will call a press conference to apologize to
the pigs and promise to enroll in anger management classes.
As we strive
to improve children's literature, let us give credit to the teachers
at a nursery school near Oxfordshire, England, who are getting the
children to sing not just "Baa Baa Black Sheep," but also "Baa Baa
White Sheep." And just in case that isn't inclusive enough, teachers
at two other nurseries are getting children to sing "Baa Baa Rainbow
Sheep."
We should also
give thanks to Sarah M. Giles and Sarah Shea, whose December 2003
article in the Canadian Medical Association Journal shed light on
some important medical and safety issues in nursery rhymes. "In the
case of Humpty Dumpty," they wrote, "we question whether 'all the
king's horses and all the king's men' were capable of launching an
appropriate medical intervention after Mr. Dumpty's unfortunate
accident. What sort of EMS training and equipment did these first
responders have? ... The presence of 'all the king's men' also
suggests a shocking lack of crowd control. Could the crowded scene
explain the inability of the responders to 'put Humpty together
again'?"
Their article
was, of course, tongue-in-cheek. But hopefully, by the time my
grandchildren read this rhyme, the emergency response will be
better: "All the king's doctors and all the king's nurses managed to
put Mr. Humpty together again. And he married the old woman in the
shoe and they lived happily ever after."
 Melvin
Durai is a U.S.-based writer and humorist who grew up
in Zambia. His weekly humour columns are read by thousands of
people in more than 90 countries. For an email subscription
to his columns, please visit his
website
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April
2006