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Luangwa Valley Dispatches
By Jake da Motto
As
the population here in the sticks grows every month it seems the
road is seeing more and more vehicular traffic and evermore small
Japanese saloon cars are sent for sacrifice upon the altar of the
Chipata-Mfuwe road. Those that survive, plus a proliferation of
minibuses and light goods vehicles, careen up the tar road from the
airport to the park gates joining the daily stream of 4x4’s in this
tunnel of tall grass with a ribbon of villages nesting in it,
ensuring that the number of road accidents is set to increase. The
local Zacaria Phiri responded with more road blocks over the last
year and once we all got over the major hurdle that we had no
windscreens on which to display our tax and fitness discs or hang
our rear view mirrors (presumably to look up the skirts of our
clients on their game viewing perches) things settled down. You can
still get fined for driving without wearing your seat belt despite
the presence of these eight poor, windswept souls clinging onto the
high seats on the back with nothing between them and the point of
impact except a threatened lawsuit!
If
Livingstone is the Adrenalin Sport capital of Zambia, then we still
have in the Luangwa, a hard-core of hell-bent cyclists who for their
own blood curdling thrills adhere to the time honoured code below.
Ten
Ironclad Rules for Kamikaze Rural Bicycling
·
Wherever possible ride in the middle of the road three
abreast directly towards oncoming traffic.
·
At the last possible second disperse in a totally random
manner obeying the laws of Brownian Motion and using the full width
of the road and verges.
·
As soon as one car passes, immediately and with no warning
or indication, swerve back into the middle of the road to ensure the
surprise of the driver of the next car which may be following behind
the first.
·
Never travel with less than 100kgs of live-weight and goods
on your bicycle. (the payload of an Eagle bicycle is roughly the
same as a Series II Land Rover)
·
Carry all long goods (planks, building poles and sugarcane)
at right angles to the direction of travel.
·
When approaching a blind corner drift across to the far
side of the road.
·
If a vehicle approaches from behind and toots its horn to
notify you of this look over your shoulder at it and veer off the
tarmac, crashing spectacularly and immediately claiming damages for
harassment.
·
Do not waste money on bicycle lights at night. Rather use
the lights of passing cars for free, by cycling as far and fast as
you can in front of their beams and then following their tail lights
when they have passed using the guidelines set out in point (3).
·
Always stop and greet other cyclists by dismounting and
standing in the middle of the road especially at night.
·
Never signal your intentions to oncoming cyclists. Instead
ride as fast as you can towards each other and then peel off
randomly at the last second.
 Our
roads would not be the same without such delightful diversions and
somewhere a manual must exist from which are drawn the following Top
Tips for those cyclists who graduate to four wheeled steeds.
Five
Golden Rules in the event of a Punctured Vehicle Tyre
·
Do not under any circumstances, move the disabled vehicle
off the carriageway to avoid causing a traffic jam. Despite having
driven for half an hour on the flat tyre the fact is that should the
vehicle be pushed a further three metres to get it off the Great
North Road Roundabout your tyre will be damaged beyond repair.
· Never carry a jack, wheel-spanner or spare tyre. To do so
is to invite disaster. All these can easily be borrowed off passing,
less cautious motorists, who should also be encouraged to stop in
the middle of the thoroughfare to show clearly there is a problem.
·
Always use enormous boulders to block the vehicle and
prevent it from rolling off the borrowed jack. These should then be
left in the middle of the road when you depart for the convenience
of any other puncture victims.
· In the unlikely event that you are not carrying warning
triangles numerous large (and preferably thorny) branches should be
cut from roadside trees for a distance of at least 2 km before and
after the site of your breakdown. This will while away the time it
takes for a vehicle with a jack, wheel-spanner or spare tyre on
board to come along, and may cause sufficient punctures to ensure
that the other car stops long enough for you to borrow these.
·
Under no circumstances repair the puncture in your tyre
once you are driving on your spare, again this sort of behaviour is
merely asking for another puncture.
And
the booby prize for April goes to the entrepreneur who seeing a
seasonal niche market in Zambia for chocolate Easter Eggs this year
invested a small fortune in a large consignment from Zimbabwe which
arrived by road at the border in good time to be distributed to the
shops and reap high rewards for the foresighted importer. Hopes were
dashed however when the whole shipment was refused entry by ZRA
officials in response to emergency measures put in place at all
borders to thwart the dreaded Bird Flu. Apparently the importation
of eggs into Zambia is no longer allowed……so back they had to go!
Anyone hoping to take a box of Kit Kats back to the EU should be
warned that they should first have them vaccinated against rabies
and micro-chipped lest the same fate await them. |
June 2006