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Waiting For The President
To
Check Out
The other day,
while eating at an Indian restaurant, I met an immigrant from
Zimbabwe, a friendly middle-aged man who had not visited his
homeland in years. "I want to go back," he said. "I'm waiting for
Mugabe to die."
Unfortunately,
tyrants seem to live longer than the rest of the population, unless
they're in prison, charged with crimes against humanity, in which
case, like Slobodan Milosevic, they check out early. Any day now, we
will read Saddam's obituary: "Saddam Hussein, often referred to as
the 'Iraqi strongman,' collapsed and died yesterday after sustaining
what doctors are describing as a 'severe paper cut.' According to
witnesses, Hussein was reading a newspaper when he suddenly screamed
and keeled over. He was apparently hurt by some sharp criticism."
Robert Mugabe has
held onto power for 26 years, largely by practicing a form of
democracy familiar to people in several African countries and the
state of Florida. He is 82 years old and still going strong, still
capable of leading his country out of the swamp and into the
quicksand. If you think he makes poor decisions now, just wait until
he hits 102.
Mugabe: "Mongo,
you've been very loyal to me. I'm going to appoint you the new
Minister of National Security. What do you think of that?"
Mongo: "Woof!
Woof! Woof!"
Mugabe: "Yes,
Mongo, you'll get a big house with a large yard. You'll be the top
dog in my Cabinet. You can snap at the opposition and hound the
media."
Mongo: "Woof!
Woof! Woof!"
Mugabe: "What's
that you say? You think I'm a great man, just as great as the
inventor of the flea collar? Why, thank you, Mongo. I appreciate it.
You can stop embracing my leg now."
In case you're
wondering, Zimbabwe does have term limits. No one can serve as
president for longer than 80 years. But Comrade Mugabe, as he's
often called, will likely introduce a constitutional amendment as
soon as he turns 136.
Fortunately,
Zimbabweans probably won't have to wait that long to see new
leadership. Mugabe may step down in 2008, when his current term
expires. According to a New Yorker article, he is building a $10
million retirement home, a Serbian-designed Pagoda-style villa. He
will probably anoint one of his henchmen as his successor, then sit
back and watch in glee: "Ha ha. And they thought I was bad."
That's the
problem with waiting for a tyrant to die: just as you're about to
celebrate, another tyrant comes along, one who has studied well
under his master.
The celebrations
start early in some cases, as when Cuba's government announced that
Fidel Castro, 80, had undergone surgery for intestinal bleeding and
was temporarily ceding power to his younger brother Raul, who is
only 75. Some Cubans, members of the Optimists Club, began popping
champagne and dancing in circles, singing, "He's dead! He's dead!
Our beloved leader is dead!"
But nobody
celebrated publicly inside Cuba, not surprising in a country where
you're either for Fidel or an infidel. Many Cubans were saddened
that their leader of 47 years was ailing, but some expressed hope
that he would recover and lead the country into the next century.
Perhaps their
prayers have been answered, for Castro is recovering gradually,
according to his brother. You can bet your last Zimbabwean dollar
that Comrade Mugabe has sent a "get well" card to Comrade Castro,
saying, "Hope you'll be back in good health soon, comrade. You are
my role model. Compared to you, I've had a very short presidency."
 Melvin
Durai is a U.S.-based writer and humorist who grew up
in Zambia. His weekly humour columns are read by thousands of
people in more than 90 countries. For an email subscription
to his columns, please visit his
website
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September
2006