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A Just Zambian Christmas
Silent Night was written in 1818, by an Austrian priest Joseph Mohr.
He was told the day before Christmas that the church organ was
broken and would not be prepared in time for Christmas Eve. He could
not think of Christmas without music, so he wrote a carol that could
be sung by choir to guitar music. He sat down and wrote three
stanzas. Later that night the people in the little Austrian Church
sang "Stille Nacht" for the first time. In Zambia we have our own
Silent Night as with the rainy season upon us, we normally suffer
one of the inevitable power cuts and all is silent – no fridges
running, no music, no TV, no fans. The Zambian version would go
something like this:
Silent Night, Quiet Night
When will Zesco get it right?
Round the cities, farms and town
All is dark, ‘lectricity is down
Sleep without the fan
Sleep without the fan
Silent Night, Quiet Night
Use the candle, there’s no light
Drinks in fridge turn to hot,
Meat, veggies, start to rot
Time to cook on the fire
Time to cook on the fire
Silent night, Quiet night
Watch TV, I think I might
Stupid me, how could I forget
A Zesco pole got slightly wet
Zesco are at it again,
Zesco are at it again
The first printed reference to Christmas trees appeared in Germany
in 1531. We suggest that you use a thorn tree, one with those long
white thorns, which can be cut from the bush. With all the thorns,
it makes the hanging of decorations much easier and now is the time
to appreciate these trees because in the not too distant future,
trees in Zambia are going to be extinct.
In 1843, the first Christmas card was printed in England for Sir
Henry Cole. He wanted to save time in his own Christmas letters, but
was also interested in encouraging the expansion of the postal
system. Save some trees and send an email instead. It will also save
you the anger when you hear that your Christmas card was only sorted
at the Lusaka Post Office at the end of January, in time for
Valentine’s Day.
Some priests in Australia advise you to say "Happy Christmas", not
"Merry Christmas", because Merry has connotations of getting drunk.
One should say "Happy" instead. Zambia Breweries would do well to
start promoting the slogan Mosi Christmas in their advertising
campaigns. We could then change the words of the popular song to:
We wish you a Mosi Christmas
We wish you a Mosi Christmas
We wish you a Mosi Christmas
And a Happy New Beer
Good hangovers we bring,
To you in the morn
We wish you a Mosi Christmas
And a Happy New Beer
The actual gift givers are different in various countries. In Italy
it is La Befana (a kindly old witch), who should not to be confused
with Bafana Bafana.
Mexicans call the poinsettia "Flower of the Holy Night". We suggest
we start promoting the Flame Lily since they are in flower at this
time of the year.
Tinsel on the Christmas Tree is attributed to a woman whose husband
died and she had a large family to bring up. Despite this, she was
determined to make a happy time for them at Christmas. She prepared
a Christmas tree to surprise them on Christmas Day. Unfortunately
spiders visited the tree, and crawled from branch to branch, making
webs all over it. The Christ Child saw the tree and knew she would
be devastated to find this on Christmas morning, so he changed the
spiders' webs to shining silver. With all our spiders and the
continual cleaning of webs from the corners of rooms and behind
cupboards, you should now lay them carefully in the Christmas
decoration box. Start collecting in January and you will have enough
for yourself and to sell at the Dutch Reformed market in November.
A goose was customary Christmas fare until Henry VIII took it upon
himself to tuck into a turkey. Forget the goose, forget the turkey.
Fire up the braai for some good Zambian steaks.
Mince pies were once shaped like mangers and are thought to date
back to the sweetmeats formerly presented to the Vatican on
Christmas Eve. Could we use mangos instead; they’re pretty much the
same shape.
The first commercial Christmas card, produced in 1846, featured a
drawing of family members happily toasting each other with glasses
of wine, a shockingly decadent portrait that was immediately
condemned by temperance advocates. Again, get rid of the wine and
replace it with a bottle of Mosi or a carton of Shake Shake.
Santa's Reindeers are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen. Get rid of the reindeer and lets have a group of
kudu instead. Dasher can be renamed Faster, Dancer can be Kwasa
Kwasa, Cupid can become Stupid
The Celts used to bring a large log indoors as a tribute to the sun
god. In Cornwall, revellers would chalk a symbol of a man on the log
in a cheery reference to the human sacrifices who used to be thrown
on the bonfire. Get someone to go out and chop down the biggest tree
they can find; perhaps the ones on Cairo Road which somebody
suggested we get rid of a while ago.
The Christmas tree was first decorated with lights in the 16th
century. It is believed that Martin Luther, the Protestant reformer,
was the first to add lighted candles to the tree. The lights will
work when the Zesco is on, which is usually during the day,
so their effect will be minimized. Also, it is quite likely that you
might cause an overload on the system, thereby blacking out the
entire country.
The lighting of candles at Christmas originated far back in time
when it was part of early sun worship: like bonfires, candles were
lit in the depths of winter in an attempt to magically strengthen
the weakened sun. In Zambia, candles are an absolute necessity to
counter the effects of Zesco.
Rosemary was used during the Middle Ages by housewives to spread on
the floor at Christmas. As people walked on it, a pleasant aroma
arose. In Zambia, we prefer khaki weed with its good strong aroma.
Its much easier to grow.
Lighting up the Christmas pudding with brandy-fed flames is done to
give it extra zest to both the eating of the pudding and the
celebration. Try kachasu : your flames will be the envy of all.
At some time in the past the singing of Christmas carols was known
as 'wassailing'. This term was applied to the custom of a group of
people, mainly children, going from house to house and stopping in
front of each house to sing a carol, in the hope they would receive
a reward. This is not to be confused with abseiling, although one
could be forgiven for confusing the singing with the sound of
screams as the ropes break.
26 December was traditionally known as St Stephen's Day, but is more
commonly known as Boxing Day. This expression came about because
money was collected in alms-boxes placed in churches during the
festive season. This money was then distributed during to the poor
and needy after Christmas. In Zambia, this holiday was done away
with some years ago, as it was considered a colonial holiday. Seems
it might be a good idea to re-introduce it and give our thousands of
street kids a decent meal.
The biggest selling Christmas single of all time is Bing Crosby's
White Christmas. You will be forgiven if you confuse Bing Crosby
with Bill Cosby. And for the youngsters who might not know what a
single is, it’s a small, round, black object on which music is
recorded.
And all that snow? Well, lets just say its like standing in nshima,
up to your knees. |
December
2006