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Lost in France?
Not likely, I can't even get in there.
Dear Lowdown
I wonder how many Zambians ever get to go to France on holiday??? I
always wondered why the North Africans risked life and limb to
travel by un-seaworthy boats to get into to France! Now I know why
as you can't get in in any normal way.
This year I decided to take my first holiday to the mighty EU in
four years and was invited to go to visit friends in France, Spain
and the UK. All sounds very easy until you come across the "Zambian
Passport Syndrome"!!! Proud I am of being Zambian, third generation
I am, though I am white I am accepted as being a true Zambian. I can
vote and I can even stand for President for this mighty country but
visit France with a Zambian passport. Ah!
First of all you go along to the French Embassy and they give you a
Gestapo type form for a thing that is called a Schengen (not even
the French Oxford Dictionary had heard of it) When I first heard it
I thought it was a type of Chinese martial arts and actually told
them "No I just want to visit my friend in France for 6 days and I
think I need a visa"!! Well this form requires you to give things
like the names of your parents, three months of bank statements,
medical insurance to the tune of Euros 30,000 (must have the best
medical scheme in the world or at least the most expensive.)
Firstly both my parents have been dead for over 15 years so see no
point in that unless the French are going to hold a séance and talk
to them from beyond the grave. Secondly I could always borrow my
brother's bank statements as we have the same initials and he has a
lot more money than I do, that is unless the French Secret Service
has insider knowledge into the Zambian Banking System and would
follow that up. Thirdly I can't think of a worse place to fall sick
than in than France and definitely want the medical insurance to get
OUT of the country.
Anyway my wife turns around and says to me you are been very
melodramatic fill in the form and stop been so sensitive!! All well
and good for her she's on a British passport! Don't the French
remember that they lost the
Battle of Waterloo and Nelson gave them a thrashing at Trafalgar!!
It should be the British who should be made to suffer as I can't
ever remember Zambia going to War with the French let alone beating
them at anything!
Well I duly fill in the Schengen form and turn to the last page!
When you read the attachments that come with the forms it asks:
"Are you visiting friends or family?" Um yes I am.
Well you then need to get your friend or family to go and see the
local French Town Hall Clerk to get a piece of paper called a
"attestation d'accueil" in proper language this means "declaration
of welcome"! Why would I be visiting him if I wasn't welcome!! He
doesn't even have a girlfriend let alone a wife!!
So my friend duly trundles down to see Monsieur the Town Clerk of a
village no bigger than Chama in the Northern Province, armed with my
passport details and copies of my return flight (which I won't get a
refund for if my Schengen is rejected) as stated in the
documentation only to be told "Non Non hee must produce a copie of
sa dreaded Sambian passport and prove that he will not fall sick in
this country. We will need proof that he has medical cover of at
least Euros 30,000"
It doesn't finish there though the Town Clerk then says to my friend
"Oh monsieur we also need proof that you are French and have seeee
right to be in France" The man is born in France, his mother is
French and even his cat is French, well my mate explodes and all
certain French expletives come out of his very eloquent mouth but to
no avail. "If you don't have this papier then this alien will not be
able to visit so pleeeze don't get abusive with us!!
Well my trusted man in Lusaka goes off to the French Embassy duly
armed with all the documentation only to be told that he needs to
bring along K335,000. Been a true Zambian he asks if this Schengen
thing is rejected do we get the money back. Of course the reply is a
firm "NON"
Well the joke is that I have some friends from Switzerland visiting
who announce to me over dinner, "But why don't you fly to Geneva ( I
don't need a visa for Switzerland) and then just drive across the
boarder into France they never check there!!"
I don't know whether I really want to visit France that much!!
From a Proud Zambian.
(And it is not only France. It is all the Schengen states. And wait
until you arrive at the airport, toting your visa. Ever been made to
feel as though you are a criminal? Ed.)
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February
2007